Toms Spot

A Day That Fades

2009-03-23T11:37:00.003+11:00

When it comes to music, everybody has an opinion on it. And fair enough too, that is one of the many great things about it! It being so widely known and loved, every single person has been introduced to some kind of music at some point in their lives, it is just grounds for diverse opinions and styles.

But, it's when it comes to the opinions that the real problems arise. I'm sick of people who think they are 'scene' or in 'the scene' or think they are know-all gods with music.. I listen to it because I enjoy it, if a band becomes commercial, fair enough good on them for making a living.. As long as they keep producing music I enjoy listening to, I'll keep listening to them.

I just get sick of people who say they will only listen to non-commercial stuff because they "believe that the artist just isn't out for money".. You aren't as open minded about music as you may think, infact, you are probably narrowing yourself more than a lot of people out there.. Just enjoy music, for what it is.. Music is for everybody to enjoy, whether people make money off of it or not, doesn't bother me..

I'm generally speaking here, of course there will be people who don't fit under this light, and some who may more-so than others..

There are artists who have produced less quality music once they became more popular, and others who produced better music.. Some who did, actually, sell out after becoming more popular and started to repeat the same styles as other bands, losing what it was that made them unique..

It's the manufactured ones, and the ones who were once greats with unique music, who then decided to drop their style and follow the styles of any manufactured 'artist' just to try and sell more, instead of following their original path of what they once loved.

Okay I haven't listened to Pendulum much lately.. But this did make me laugh:
BeatPortal Article

Good on them I say.

Music can change so much, it can travel side by side with us as we go through many changes in our lives.. Both positive and negative.. So many of my greatest memories all have songs and different kinds of music associated with them..

My first gf, RNB music..
Sad and depressed times I have metal stuff..
Best memories have dance music..
and so on and so forth.. As my personality changed, so did my music taste.. As I had different experiences there were different songs, most of the time I go clubbing it is with dance music, and most of my best memories were nights out with friends.. Both at clubs and on the road, and most of those times were dance music..

As well as classic sing along songs, Bohemian Rhapsody, classic stupid one hit wonders that everyone knows the words of, cruising around town with a car load of friends just singing the most stupid songs out there.. So many fun memories, all associated with different types of music.

One person I spoke to about this topic, said to me "music has so much potential for power but it is so often wasted."

As true as that may be, I think that a song that is enjoyed by somebody, whether it has some kind of dramatic effect on them or not, I don't consider it wasted power..

Sure, it has the potential to change so much more on many different levels, but if it leaves somebody happy or feeling better or whatever, even if slightly, then that is some power used for a good purpose.. Therefore, I don't think that it is wasted!

One of my friends is a big muso, he is fantastic at guitar, great at the drums, and can even play the piano to some extent.. He is trying to write his own music, mixing the guitars with drums and lyrics..

I have alot of appreciation for people who are able to pull this off, I used to play guitar, but because I didn't have a strong passion for it and lacked the confidence I just didn't progress.. My instructor said I was good, and even offered me a position to teach, but I didn't take it up because I didn't feel I could do it.. So I dropped it..

But since I was once learning, looking at people who can do it, I have much more appreciation for.. It also allowed me to appreciate music around me much more, as I can see how much time, effort and emotion goes in to creating it..

Sure, electronic music might be easier to create (to some extent) and people may not think that there is as much emotion in it, as to something like Blues, or any other acoustic form (or the type of music people create the sounds for themselves, piano, guitar, etc).. But I feel that there is still heart and soul in it.. A different form to which some may believe as "music", but, there is still the passion in it.. And therefore it will touch different people in different ways..

Some hate it, some love it. That is the beauty of music.. it's not for everyone, but at the same time it is.

I love my job, I'm very lucky I get paid well to do something I love.. I love doing my graphics design, and I make a living off of it.. If I could make even more, hell that'd be fantastic!

If a musician can get paid to do what they love doing, and get even more money as more people listen to their work, then I say good on them!

How is it different to someone like me in my job earning more? If I suddenly started making ridiculous amounts of money from people liking my designs, buying and viewing them more and more.. As my work starts updating it's style along with the trends and stuff.. My love for it and passion still being there.. No one would care.. So why should it be like that with music?

On A Good Day

2009-01-01T19:28:00.003+11:00

Well is it 2009 now, and what a great start to the new year!
I'm sitting here with horrid sunburn on my back, from 1 hour in the pool at 10am this morning..
Love Australian weather.. Haha..

Anyway, I was sitting here thinking back on the last year..
Thinking about all the new people I have met, the new experiences, the new things, the fun times and the sad times..

My new car, which has been smashed for a month now thank to a Kangaroo..
My new goals and ambitions, some revisted (like toning up!), and some dropped..

Over this last year I have experienced a lot, come to many realisations and encountered so many up's and down's..

Sure, some won't even come close to what you or others may have encounterd, but still, to me, they were big points to my year..

You live, you learn though.

Through this year I have had fights with people, had people say stuff behind my back, and I've said stuff behind theirs.. We all have our reasons, but at the end of the day, we only say this stuff because we care about that person or the situation.. If we didn't care, why would we even bother to say things?

Sure it isn't much justification to do so, but we do it, everyone does it.. It is just a part of life.. It will always be around us, and if we don't learn to live with it and deal with it, we'll just crumble..

Anyway, last night I had a sort of 'rekindling' moment with somebody I once cared so much about, we had a big falling out, and it lasted for a while until last night.. Afterwards, it made me think of all the wasted time we had because of the position both of us were in..

We may be close once again, we may not be, but atleast we made a move to make things better than they were.. Hopefully from now on, things won't be so hard or awkward if one of us are mentioned or around each other..

Thank you for that.

One of my new years resolutions for 2009 is to not care about the past.

There have been falling outs, drifting apart and me standing back from people because of things that have happened in their lives and impacted on mine.. Be it a big fight with other friends affecting my position with both, or whatever.

I'm resetting everybody who has drifted, walked away, or had problems with me (or vice versa) to Zero. They're all sitting at the same level on 0 now..

I'll be pleasant and peaceful with them, have fun or whatever if they'll let me.. But if they don't put in any effort with our relationship, they'll stay at 0 or I just won't bother..

If they're willing to put in effort along with me, things will be better once again :)

I have lots of people around me which I still love deeply, and they reciprocate (atleast I hope they do!!) so if these others don't bother, I don't feel at loss. As they obviously don't either!

You may call me skeptical when it comes to people these days, call it a defence mechanism, as it has got me numerous times.. I have people telling me alot that I care too much, well, times are changing, and I feel great..

I feel 2009 has brought me a great big fresh feeling.. A time for more greatness, and new things :)

I'm really looking forward to pushing friendships in to being alot stronger than they are.. I'm really looking forward to meeting all those new people I'm going to meet.. All the new experiences, and using my new knowledge from 2008 to make 2009 that much greater!

When I crashed my car avoiding a Kangaroo, I was so distraught.. But through this unfortunate event, I have seen lightness within so many people I literally didn't even know until that time..

People in clubs giving me their support, helping me find stuff I need.. Supporting me in this unfortunate situation.

My friends all constantly offering a hand, checking up on it and everything.. It's great!

Here are a couple of pics (Click to enlarge):

Life is really looking up :)

Here's to a great new year!

Someone Else

2008-06-12T17:19:00.003+10:00

The music is blasting..
He is sitting there, with his friends..
Tapping his feet to the beat..
The music transitions, and a new song comes on..
A crowd favourite..

He jumps up, and starts singing it loudly and dancing..
Those around him following suit..

It is a good night.

As the song finishes, he sits back down..
Squeezing between his friends..
The music is blasting, the lights are flashing, colours and bodies moving everywhere..

It is a good night.

Looking around, as his friends are all talking at the top of their lungs..
Trying to battle the never ending battle against the volume of the music, He makes eye contact..

An instant connection, one felt and shared strongly between another..
A perfect moment.

They share smiles, they share looks..
He gets up, walks over to her, and holds his hand out..
No words needed, no gifts, no suggestions..
She reaches out, and they go.

Disappearing into the masses of jumping and swinging bodies..

It is a good night.

They dance, close and fast..
Vigorously trying to keep up with the beats..
They tire, and get drinks, and sit together..
Close, talking about life, talking about themselves..
Sharing stories and jokes..

This is their night.

It is a good night.

The night wears thin, her friends want to go, They share numbers, and kiss goodbye..

Days go by, they're together again, driving along music blasting..
Their anthems from the night before, the songs that bring them back to that night..

Then suddenly, a shunt to the left, and it all goes blurry with a bright flash..

The music rushes back in, the lights start flashing once again, the bodies are back..
You return to the war, the war of the night life conversations..

You snap back into reality, no longer watching..

You're back to yourself, blinking and looking around..

"HEY!!" yells a familiar voice..

There she is, with her big beautiful smile, the designated photographer of the group, blocking the view of the one that just occupied your mind for that short while..

To your left, your best friend attempting to communicate with you throughout your lapse.. Looking at your with curious eyes.. Wanting a photo with you, a forever lasting memory with somebody she loves..

The night is still young.

Your friends disappear, their mission is over..
You glance back over, and she is gone..

The perfect person in your memory, that perfect moment you shared..
Had you gone over there, how different your life could have become..
Left there, wondering if you'll ever see them again..

This night, still young...

Elements Of Life

2008-05-12T11:30:00.004+10:00

The voice is loud.. Deep.. Strong..
The atmosphere starts to become more intensified..
Screams, squeels, yelling, eagerness and panic are binding..
Becoming one giant formation..

The ambiance is building behind the voice.. A familiar sound..

The lights glow and fade.. Images forming in the distance..

The room lights up blue..
Flashes everywhere..

2 Minutes go by, excitement builds..
The speech is nearing the end..

Then finally.. The name is called..

The bass hits hard, fast strong solid beats, explosions all along the front..

Sparks and fire erupt out of cannons..

The lights flash fast, the name scrolled and flashed before everyone..

The music starts, his face shows, the music absorbs everyone..

He is Tiesto, he is Trance.

God is a DJ.

I love Trance music, I really do..

Trance, Hard Trance, all forms of it.. The chilled out beats, the fast hard beats, the beats that get you relaxing and listening, those that make you want to dance.. Those that just absorb you into the sound and filter out everything around you..

No sad and depressing lyrics, generally love, or just random statements mixed and repeated throughout..

I love the futuristic theme that most artists put into their music, the themes about the environment, the world around you and I..

The subtle beats and noises mixed at the precise time to give the song that bit of extra depth to it..

I find it greatly relaxing, enjoyable..

I saw Tiesto on the 3rd of May at the Hordern Pavilion in Sydney..

It was sooo good, I enjoyed it so much.. I love Tiesto and his work!

I sat back on the seats to the very front right of the stage, just kicked back and enjoyed the show.. I didn't feel like dancing, going hard or going crazy.. I wanted to remember it all, enjoy it all.. Let the visual images of the music appear in my mind.. Like I do most days at work..

It relaxes me so much, I may be fuming and angry, but will put some of this on just to enjoy it and calm myself.. If I have no car to do it, my Trance collection will..

It is so totally my thing right now haha..

Oranges

2008-03-31T20:01:00.002+11:00

Looking upwards, arms outstreched as far as he possibly could..
Still just unable to reach..
He jumps up, hand just grabbing it and pulling it off the branch..
"One more!" he says in excitement
His sister, standing there patiently.
Eagerly watching another freshly ripe orange drop into the heavy bag clenched tightly in her arms.

"Kids!" echoed their grandmothers voice.
Turning around, with big smiles on their faces, they looked down the hill and amongst the trees to see their loving grandmother standing on the balcony.
Hands waving
Calling them to come back

It was lunch time, they had been out for a good hour now picking the tree of every single Orange.
It also was one of the days of the month where the sprinklers are set up everywhere.
Strategically picking where to walk, so they didn't get their favourite clothes wet, they hurried as fast as they could while carrying the multitudes of Oranges back to the house where their nan awaited.

Their grandfather, a loving and caring man had grown many different things around his property.
Lemons, Oranges, Passionfruit. Tomatos, Lettuce, Cabbage and various other horrible things that the children made efforts to avoid.
He took care, he had passion in what he did, everything he did he put heart and soul into.
He took care in safe proofing his house, for the large number of regular visitors, he took care in the presentation and the craftmanship.

All he wanted for when he retired, was for a place that people could come and visit, a place that people would enjoy visiting. And sucessfully he did so.

As the children made it back, they unleashed their collection
"Look at them all nan!" they said proudly
As their grandmother brought the juicer.
"Look at them..!"

"Guess what Pa just built! You'll love it" says his father
Watching the joy in his sons eye, the excitement..
He knew his grandfather liked building things, but what was it this time?
Something big? Cool? Fast?

Walking into the garage, he saw a machine, unsure what it was underneath the blue coloured tarp..

whoosh off comes the tarp, and a huge smile erupts on his face.

4 wheels, a makeshift steering wheel, a shiney motor on the back.
Bright red wheels, green frame, yellow seat.

"What do you thi..-
His grandfather cut off half sentence, as he lunges into his belly in a loving embrace.. Saying the greatest thank you he could without using words..
He climbs up into the driver seat, eagerly ready to venture out..
As far as the trees at the top, and as low as the river at the bottom..
The engine starts, he is off..

There he sits, alone, quietly.
Computer in front of him, bored.
All the simple joys that were once there, are now miniscule, desolate.
Nothing to be enjoyed anymore.

The toy parking garage, the trees, the river, the boat, the fruit, the caravan.
Nothing of that he finds fun anymore.
Trips down there are boring now, he just wants to go home.

Tapping away at the computer keys, his fathers old laptop that he since claimed for the one purpose..
So he can be entertained in this place.
This country place, over an hour away, in the middle of the country, no mobile reception, limited FM reception.
Why would you want to live out here?

His grandfather, standing in the corner looking at him with sad eyes.
What happened to the boy who so loved his creations?

He saw him out of the corner of his eyes, watching him as he tapped away on the keyboard.

"..And there is a quadbike, a speed boat, and lots of land, it is a nice escape!" he brags to his 2 mates as they are in the car heading out there.
"We can go waterskiing!"

They arrive, the dogs barking and running up the driveway in anticipation to see who is coming.
They step out of the car, and know the correct procedure to avoid a clobbering and being showered in slobber.

Running up to his nan he hugs her hello, and searches for his grandfather.
"Pa is by the river!"
The boys walk down and greet him.

Their weekend is spent at high speeds tearing around the property on the brand new quadbike..
Occasionally hooking a trailer up to it so all 3 could go for the ride..
The times were good once again, the house keeping up with the needs to entertain the young teenager..

Once again, the joy is returned..
But only briefly..

As time went on, the visits lessened, becoming one or two days at a time..

Over the span of his later years in high school, everything just became a memory..
Spending times with friends and on the computer, replacing the trips to visit..
Little did he know, the place he once loved was now deteriorating..

The house was now sold, the equiptment and other major things sold and given away..
The things he used to love and enjoy, gone..

They moved up north to the beachy town of Nelson Bay, visits there still not as often, although it was a beautiful place he loved..

Slowly his grandfather started losing his health, between one visit, and the next visit his grandfather turned from the active healthy and creative man, to the fragile and weak man..

And then one day, 22nd January 2006, he is laying in his bed with a group of friends, it is around 10:30am the night after having a party.

His father walks into the door, and pronounces the news.

In one go, so many memories go flowing through his mind, the memories that his grandfather has left him with, the regret of not spending more time when he had the chance, the regret that he was never able to properly say thank you, I love you, and goodbye before his passing.

The times of sitting in that house, bored, when he could have been out with him.

He will always miss him.

I will always miss him.

Brian Leonard Williams
16 February 1927 - 22 January 2006
Aged 78 years

Long Way Home

2008-03-06T09:45:00.002+11:00

It is dark, cold, gloomy..
Everything around just silhouettes and shadows..
You are walking along slowly, looking around you..
Cables and wires hanging over ahead..
A slight breeze, pushing the garbage and old newspapers around at your feet..

That smell, familiar, yet unknown..
You are still walking..

You recognize this place, you know where you are..
But at the same time, it is completely new..

It is a mix of the known, the old, with the new and the unfamiliar..

There are other people around..
Dark figures.. Looming slowly.. Making you feel uneasy, disturbed, wary..

To your right you see a big green dark bin, lids closed, something rustling inside of it..
Unnerved you lengthen your strides, increase your speed..
But only for a few seconds..

This alley way was meant to be a short cut you think to yourself.. Smart move?

You look behind you, the lids are open, and everything is quiet..

The breeze stopped.. The garbage around you suddenly still..
A cold shiver runs up your spine..
The temperature drops..
The moon, blaring over the top of you, the only means of light in this place..
Straight ahead, a street lamp, a main road..
It was busy, cars running quickly, buses, trucks, motorbikes.. It was full of life just a second ago.. It is now still, quiet..

You look behind you.. Just blackness..

The whole alley was full of shadowed objects, silhouettes in the darkness..

You couldn't make out what anything was exactly, but it didn't seem so threatening.. It was only a short quick walk..
But it is now blackness..

Clouds, moving over the moon..
The light, disappearing..

Everything is still..
Silent.

The street light flickering, soon it shall be out..

RUN! something tells you, RUN NOW!

It is a familiar voice, you know it, but who was it?

You start running.. Towards the end of the alley.. Towards the light..

But your legs, your legs refuse to work, slowly and forcefully you make your way to the end.. Trying as hard as you can.. Your legs not working..

You feel like you could run on your hands faster..

Come on! Come on! GO! The voice screams

You look behind you, the darkness creeping up.. A force pulling you backwards.. The light going out..

Suddenly, you see a slight glow..
A doorway to your right..
A subtle glow from under the door..
You head to it..

The street light getting dimmer and dimmer, the air on your skin stinging from coldness..
The breeze starting again, making it colder..

This unknown presence feeling closer..
So close you feel the aura of their body..

You reach to the door handle..
You rattle it a couple of times in panic..

Suddenly, with your hand you feel warmth, security, the feeling of peace shoot right through your body..
Your heart beats with excitement, not panic..
Your skin feeling all tingly, the kind of feeling from your first kiss with someone you love..

The door opens..
The room is white, extremely bright, but warm.. Secure..

You enter.. Curious, excited, safe.

A silhouette of somebody walks towards you, a shadow.
You can't see them, but you know who they are..

Their features come into focus, their arms out.. They take you in an embrace.. A comfortable, warm embrace.. Arms around you, holding you close.. This embrace, this hug, making you fall into the greatest sense of love and security one can feel..
The kind only a special person can give you..

They step back.. They are in focus.. The golden colour of their hair being lit up by the light, their eyes twinkling with a green, blue, and golden shine.. Their smile lighting up your world in a way that no one can ever understand.. The smoothness of their face illuminated.. The sweet scent of their perfume wofting up and radiating out..

The way they have their clothes, bringing out every other feature on them..

You are happy..
You are safe..

You wake up, and it is just a memory...

From Blue To Green

2008-01-29T20:19:00.000+11:00

I want to travel.. I want to go far.. I want to go from one extreme of the country, to the other..

From the hectic busy city I live in, Sydney, all the way out to the country..

I want to be on the open road.. I want to see the beaches.. I want to see the mountains..
I want to visit the snow again..
I want to visit the outback, the dirt, the world that is out there passed all the trees..
I want to see it all again..

This time guiding myself.. Going at my pace, seeing the stuff I want to see, when I want to see it.. Skipping that that I don't want to..

I remember holidays from my childhood and the past years..

I remember going to the rainforests up in Cairns, seeing those really old big trees, experiencing the humidity.. And then diving into the water with my funky underwater disposable camera, and photographing the coral and sealife..

I remember getting on a plane in a busy airport, with people the glum faces of people rushing everywhere, surrounded by concrete and buildings..
And then getting off the plane on the run way of the small Alice Springs airport, looking around me and seeing dirt, smiling happy faces of the staff and other tourists, seeing those running up to their families, and feeling the heat of the sun beaming down on me..

I remember the countless times staring out the window of the car, and dozing off, and waking up in whole new cities and towns..

I remember being face to face with lions.. All that was seperating me from them was 2cm of floor boards with gaps..
This one moment at Mogo Zoo out in the country of New South Wales was this walk up Lion enclosure.. The lions would lay under the walk way to shield themselves from the hot sun.. The floor, being typical verandah materials were thin, but strong, and also had gaps between each plank of wood..
My sister and I were walking along it, and happened to look down, and see this lions eye staring back at us.. We crouched down, put our heads to it..
As we did that, a Lion put his paw up.. As if to say hello, or wanting a high 5..
It lowered it, and stared back at us.. It probably just as curious as us..
That was an awesome moment.. One that thougherly confused the other people around, as these 2 strange children were crouched down in the middle of the floor..

I have this memory of Fiji from 1992.. It was a long time ago, I barely remember anything.. All that I do remember is derived from family home videos of the trip.. All but this one memory.. It was probably a dream, But it is a memory none-the-less..

We were on the back of the bus, we had just got off the plane and were headed to our hotel.. I was looking out the back of the bus.. It was very dark, the sky was a mix of reds, oranges, purples and blue.. The moon was the biggest I had ever seen it.. It was a clear night sky.. The road was bumpy, the bus creaking and shaking from it's old age, and battling against all the potholes and rocks that covered this old road.. My sister fast asleep, my mum comforting her.. I'm just staring out the back window..
And mum says to me "Keep looking, you might see a shooting star.. And if you do, make a wish!"
Excited and curious, I keep watching.. Waiting for this special shooting star, my shooting star..
"Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight.. I wish I may, I wish I might, Get this wish I wish tonight" I chant quietly to myself.. And I make a wish upon that first star I see up in the night sky, the twinkling, extra bright one..
And then, suddenly, There is this bright stream of light.. It seems so big, it seemed so close and so bright..
"Mum!" I squeel, as a 5y/o does in excitement..
I saw it, I saw that shooting star.. That is really one of the only memories that has stayed with me over the years..

One day, I'll travel the world.

See the sights I so often hear about.. Photograph the types of photographs I see spread over the internet..

I downloaded and installed StumbleUpon (www.stumbleupon.com) and set it to take me to various photographic websites and portfolios.. Some of the sights people see..

The amazing landscapes, the amazing cities, mountains, people and all kinds of wonderous things.. It is something they can take with them for the rest of their lives.. I wish to do this, and I will do this..

I wish to travel overseas, not only to the beautiful beach places, but out into the country, into the big cities, small downs, travel great distances.. See things not many other people have seen.. Photograph it all, and keep the memories with me..

I want to see America, I want to experience the dance music scene in Europe, I want to travel Asia, I want to ski in Canada and New Zealand, I want to explore Australia, I want to visit Indonesia/Bali, I wouldn't mind taking a trip in Africa, and the nice beach places like the Whitsundays, Phuket/Thailand, Hawaii, and all those types of places..

I want to drive the famous roads, the crazy roads, see the different scenes across the world..

I want to experience all of this, and I will one day. It is something I will do one day.

Gone

2007-12-29T20:08:00.001+11:00

Where have you gone..?

What was once so beautiful, fun and simple.. Has become so complicated, so run down, so hurtful and depressing..

We used to be so close, we used to have so much fun.. Things were wonderful, awesome.. Something to be proud of and to remember..

Now it is hardly anything, I never see you.. I want to see you, I want to have fun, I want things to be good again..

It is no fault but our own..

I loved you, I really did.. At one point through it all, I had most definitely loved you, with all my heart..

It was so painful knowing you were no longer that close, we no longer shared those things.. It was so hurtful to see you, and know that I couldn't be close anymore.. I had hoped things would come back, but I knew they wouldn't..

I loved you.

For so long I wollowed.. And I know that pushed our friendship apart.. Because it was so hurtful to be around you, see you, and not be able to be close.. I tried to avoid situations.. I tried to not be close, because I knew it'd only hurt more..

Then I got passed it, and I guess by then it was too late.. I still tried to be friends.. Tried to pick things back up..

Muck around with you like I do with my friends, poke, tease, laugh.. But it just didn't seem to work..

Where'd you go..?

Deep down there was something, there was always something inside me.. For you.. I couldn't say it, I didn't say it, I never told anybody we knew.. There was maybe 1 or 2 other people in the world that I had mentioned it to..

People came and went, But always, I tried to get things back up.. I tried to mend things between us.. So we could be friends..

Just be the good ol inseperable duo I felt we were at one stage..

I'm still trying now..

But, I'm giving up..

I've tried too much, so I'm just going to stop..

I try to muck around.. But I feel pushed away..
I try to talk.. But I feel you don't care..
I try to invite you.. But I feel so rejected, ignored..
I try to be me.. But I feel it just doesn't work..

Where'd you go? Where have you gone..

What's wrong? Why aren't you being "you" anymore..?

It's sad, and it hurts.. You seem so down all the time.. So secluded.. Seem to only be wollowing in self pity about something I don't know or understand..

I feel like a small dog, sitting there staring at it's owner laying it their bed, ignoring me and not loving me anymore.. Quietly sobbing, while I sit there and wonder what I've done or how I can make them better.. I nudge them, I lick their hand.. But they move away, push me away, roll over and ignore me..

And I lay there, and sit there, and wonder.. What have I done..?

Monkey Forest

2007-11-28T11:03:00.000+11:00

I swear, rainy days will be the death of me.
Well, atleast people with umbrellas anyway.
People who just simply don't watch what they are doing, or don't realise that there are, infact, sharp pointy bits around the edge of it and usually one big one in the middle.

Yesterday, after getting off the bus.. It was raining.. So, naturally everyone pulled their umbrellas out to shield them from the ever so evil falling water..
But, come umbrellas, be expected to have to duck and dodge everywhere you walk!

Unless you want to get stabbed in the eye, don't walk behind someone with one, don't walk beside them, don't walk in front of them.. Hell, totally avoid them!

It seems that anyone who uses an umbrella seems to be totally inept at holding it properly or being careful while using it, inconsideration for those around them..

I've discovered that I have to be as short as a typical 2y/o child, or I need to remember my awesome commando training to duck and dodge every single person around me with an umbrella..

Is it so hard to lift it a bit higher than usual or out of the way for the crowd of people walking towards you to get by..? Instead of having a whole conga line of people cursing and ducking trying to avoid you and your fear of water.. Or atleast lift it a little higher so we can all meet at some middle point and be happy..?

Now, it is not only those with their umbrellas up that are a danger while walking..

It is also people with those super long pointy evil ones.. Like what The Penguin has in Batman..

Walking along normally, they aren't so much of a problem.. But when it comes to stairs and escalators, watch out!

Oh too often I'll be walking up the escalators at Bondi Junction or Town Hall and some bright spark will be standing there, and decide they want to hold their umbrella horizontal.. It isn't the most pleasant thing walking up escalators or stairs, then suddenly be faced with a bright shiney metallic pointy thing right in your face!

It isn't too freakin hard to hold it upright next to your body now is it..?

So come on people!

Whenever using umbrellas, please think about it properly, it isn't the most trivial piece of equipment to use..

End Rant.

-Added-
Hey look, a news article from today! :
Umbrella Killer Gets Reduced Sentence

Looking Back: Out and Free..

2007-11-08T15:46:00.000+11:00

Well, It is late 2004..
I have just finished my HSC..
And now what..?

I look around me, I have a few of the boys around.. Couple of the girls.. One from school, and a couple from out of school.. They were about a year or two older than us..

There is really no structure to this one, It is just kind of randomly thrown together.. Maybe soon I'll elaborate on parts of the story, tie it all together some how..

These were the days when we were free.. We had all the time in the world.. Life was sweet, and simple..

A couple of us worked, no one had any idea what they wanted to do.. So we just cruised along in life..

We were all semi-nocturnal.. Our days started at lunchtime, and our nights ended in the early mornings.. All we'd do would be hanging out in the pool, running around with a video camera doing stupid stuff, sitting on the computer, freelancing life..

Living off our savings or parents donations, the money we earned in our small "retail" jobs, or from things we'd sell or stuff we'd find..

I didn't work back then, I was a complete bum.. I had a bunch of money in an account I had saved, and from a bank account my mum had for my sister and myself.. I got that money, $1700.. Mum had been saving it and halved it for us..

$1700 was alot of money back then, when I got given that after finishing school, I then had $1900.. I survived a long time on that.. Now I don't even survive a month!

It was me and Shane living at home, in my parents house.. He was with someone from school then.. I was still single, I had a one night thing with someone, but that was it for my love life.. I had no interest in anyone then either..

We would hang out with Shanes partner, and a couple of the boys from school.. Plus these other friends of Shanes he had met.. One of his ex's and 2 of her friends..

She had a car, one of the other boys Alex had a car.. We would drive around, be stupid.. We had this love for cKy.. A Band and a series of DVD's by Bam Margera and his boys.. Pre-Jackass days.. Their early days.. Taking upon this, I have to say we were influenced.. We wouldn't copy what they did, as they were "too extreme" for us.. What wusses we were haha..

One night, a long time ago, surfing through these particular forums we'd look at came across a couple of lists.. A "Scavenger Hunt" list.. They were about 100 items long each.. All with a bunch of things to do..

"Get Arrested", "Have a running race in a convenience store", "Antique someone", "Skitch a car", etc etc..

Being bored, having a video camera, alot of time on our hands, and the typical "invincible" attitude young teenage boys have, we decided to try out a few things and film them..

Alot of our time would be spent doing nothing, so why not put that time to use for the amusement of ourselves and other people on the internet?

One particular day I remember, I'm not sure if it was still during school, or after school.. I had asked a bunch of our friends from school if they would like to go out on an adventure to the city, to do as many of this list as we could..

So there we had a group of about 10-15 people all venturing out to the city.. A combined list of 250 things to do.. a pen.. a video camera.. a beautiful day.. and the eager'ness to go wild and do whatever we wanted..

We hit George St Woolworths, we had a running race..
We hit Virgin Music, and went wild to the music in headphones..
We hit Circular Quay McDonalds, and we smooshed ice cream on our faces..
We hit Circular Quay courtyard area, and we had soccer matches..
We played soccer through the crowds on George St., Random businessmen joining in, other people running onto the road to kick the ball back for us..
We played soccer in Hyde Park and hit someones noodles all over their head..
We filmed everything..

It was an awesome day..

Other nights were just random..

We'd jump into someones car.. head to someones place.. eat maccas, bum around, have drinks, just laugh.. I had a camera, I would photograph everything.. These were good days..

The only worry we would have was, that we didn't have any worries..

I didn't need a job badly, I had money..
I didn't need to buy a car straight up, I had my parents to use..
I didn't need to worry about anything..

I met my Campbelltown people.. I started dating one of them.. Life was good, life was simple.. Most nights just hung out with the boys doing random stuff, being out and about and active.. Most weekends would be spent down in Campbelltown doing whatever with whoever there..

Then, the money started disappearing..

The worries started..

Where did I want to lead my life?
What did I want to do?
All of a sudden I want my own car..
My parents were telling me I should look into my future..
I can't keep doing what I am doing forever..
I have to do something about it before it is too late..

Did I want to try for uni? No.. I made my decision a long time ago I didn't..

I didn't study for my HSC, I didn't care how I went..

I'll do Tafe.. And thats what I decided to do....

I found a course, I started that course in 2005.. Everything was sweet..

My parents paid for my Tafe.. I lived by building websites for clients.. Bringing in $400-$1000 each one.. That would hold me for a while..

They were good days.. A new group of friends, my Tafe friends..

Random nights still went on.. Being out late, waking up in the morning and going to Tafe.. Bludging and laughing with the people there.. Going home, laughing with my friends here, weekend comes along I'm in Campbelltown.. It was a nice routine, a good routine.. Life was sweet.. and simple..

Radio Fireworks

2007-11-04T11:14:00.000+11:00

What did that dream mean?
I haven't much to elaborate on that..
It left me stumped..
Confused and saddened..
But happy and excited at the same time..
I feel it's a subconcious thing that I wish to achieve, find, and do..
But at the same time, I don't know..
I don't know who it was..
Was it someone I actually knew, or just a random person as a placeholder for someone I know..
I enjoyed it though.

Looking Back: The White Dog

2007-11-01T10:10:00.000+11:00

Looking Back:
The White Dog

Years ago, a few years ago.. I forget how old I was.. I think I was maybe 12?

Between 1998 and 1999..

There was this family who used to live up the road from us..

There were 3 kids.. All around my sister and my age..

We used to hang out heaps and such, and then one day they moved to a small town called "Junee"..

It was a small typical country town..

You had your typical cliche bogans driving their typical cliche Holden and Ford V8 utes.. People walking around with beer cans, flanno, jeans, etc..

Feral cats everywhere, dirty streets, quiet, etc..

It was a hole basically..

We would go visit them randomly, about a 6 hour drive south..

Staring out the window, bored in the car, with good ol Aussie classics blasting out of the stereo.. With the random "Carpenters" song popping up every now and then.. Classic music, music of my childhood thanks to my father.. Some good ol' rock stuff would come on, some Queen, and such..

Good care free days..

One particular time I remember going there, it was a nice sunny summer day, wasn't too hot.. Summers have gotten hotter and hotter since, must be global warming or something..

It was myself, my mum, my sister and the 2 boys (the other was a girl, just a bit older than me, she was off elsewhere).. We were going for a walk, as the boys wanted to show us this tree they climbed and made a tree house in..

On the way this small white doggy appeared.. I forget its name, or its breed.. Small little white thing, I think it must have been part Jack Russell.. It was a good natured fun little dog..

The boys knew it, and knew of its owners.. It followed us.. We walked all around the town, most of the town was in walking distance of itself.. And back then I actually used my legs for other things.. Not just pedals in a car anymore like now!

I was an active kid back then, before I discovered the ease of having a drivers license..

We got to this tree, and climbed and just hung out.. All us being happy and joking like families do.. Think of the cliche "mother with her kids" type scene.. It was that.. Just a fun beautiful day..

We decided it was time to head home, and try to be home before dinner time.. So we got our stuff and started walking.. There was no footpath so we were walking on the edge of the road..

These were wide roads, could easily fit atleast 6 cars next to each other across the whole thing, big wide road.. We were fine.. We had seen maybe 3 cars driving on the way there.. I remember this.

I was a little further behind.. My mum ahead of us with my sister and the dog (no lead, it was running free, thats how it found us)..

I was with the older boy (my sisters age) and the other boy was walking in the middle of the group..

We had walked slightly slower and were trailing a little behind.. A car had drove past us, a black mini 4wd (Toyota Rav4).. It was going quickish.. Then all of a sudden.. It came to a halt..

From where we were, we were on the top of a slope.. We could only see the top of the car.. Nothing below the rear window level at this time.. Something wasn't right.. The car was just sitting there..

I couldn't see anyone else yet.. Then the car drove off.. It had been sitting there for a few seconds.. I could see the heads inside discussing something actively.. Then they drove off..

I hurried a little, and saw what looked to be the doggy.. The cute small little dog.. My mum running up to it, and the other 2 running to it..

We ran..

Then there it was, the cute little dog.. Slightly out of shape.. Blood coming out of its mouth and eyes..

I was shocked, I had never seen a dead anything at that point.. Especially just hit.. It looked so surreal..

Mum asked the boys if they knew where it had lived.. They knew.. She picked it up, and we headed there..

Upon arriving, I was still slightly shocked at the whole thing.. We knocked on the door, A man came out and looked at us.. He must have been confused as to why there was a random lady with a group of shock faced children staring back to him..

Mum held up the dog, and explained what had just happened..

The man sighed, as mum passed the dog to him.. He looked at it, shook his head a little.. Walked up to a garbage bin and just dumped him in it!

This added to the shock so much more,
"how could you just do that??" I said to myself..

He thanked us and went back inside.. We headed home..

That night, laying in bed, all I could see was the dog, I couldn't sleep.. When I did manage to sleep, I dreamt of that.. The next day, I asked the others if it were the same.. They agreed with me, and had the same..

It was depressing, an experience.. A terrible end to such a beautiful day..

It wasn't for years later (2005) that my own dog would pass away, Arthritis.. The poor dog was yelping in agony one night.. So my parents made the decision to take him to be put down, taken out of his misery..

I dearly miss him.. Still, I loved that dog so much.. Everyone did.. Beautiful well natured dog.. Almost person like.. Loved people.. Never attacked anyone, always happy and playful.. And had the strangest habits..

He also said "Hello" in the cutest growl way.. "Haroooooooo"..

RIP Sammy..

Sounds Rushing

2007-10-30T11:12:00.000+11:00

I don't know how else to start this, this is a strange one.. One that is different..

Just a bunch of random thoughts, no proper construction.. No proper sentence structure, paragraphs are just out of whack.. It probably won't even make much sense..

But, it is just the random thoughts, the random things that spring to mind at that moment.. One thing setting off another, one bringing back another, one being totally out of place or context to the rest..

Whichever way, that is just how it is going to go..

Oh man, I'm hungry.. What to get.. Maccas, had it yesterday.. Thai, could go Thai.. Cheap and easy.. Maybe Indian.. I don't want to bring in lunch, that doesn't cut it for me.. I get over it.. Tried it, didn't work long.. Lasted about 2 weeks on healthy stuff.. Now I just have whatever.. I'm probably going to die soon.. Oh, imagine if I die.. That would suck.. I'd be mad shitty.. Oh man, if a friend died.. Would be so distraught.. I lost my Sammy, I was fair cut.. Loved that lil dog.. Best natured dog.. I was so upset.. I only discovered recently that fish can jump out of fish bowls.. Was like, what the hell? Gold fish jump? .. It made me laugh though.. Strange behaviors of strange lil creatures.. I wonder if fish get happy or sad.. Be like Nemo! .. Bouncing to es-cap-eh out of the fish bowl.. I wonder if fish smile.. Maybe they do? And we just can't see it.. I wonder what kind of smile.. "Thanks for this pimpin bowl!" .. Or something.. Just a happy little smile, because you gave them a home..? Smiles are awesome.. Some people can really affect me when they smile..

It's amazing.. How one can make you feel that way, just buy looking at them.. A single little glimpse, a little smile.. That cute smile, that one she has.. Makes you melt inside.. How do people have that power? How do you gain that kind of power.. That upper hand on someone.. Their smile, just glowing.. Lighting up the room, lighting up your day.. Instantly bringing one to your face.. No matter what mood you are in.. Just the look in their eyes, that sincere smile.. Nothing fake, you can tell if it's a fake one from them.. But you know, as much as they do.. That they mean that smile for you.. You can see it in their eyes.. Their eyes shining, sparkling, their face just radiating brightness and happyness..

Different smiles, different causes, different meanings.. The smile I get from her smile, is one of care, it's one for her.. The smile I get from my car, is a smile of excitement, eager to get out there, to be free.. The smile I get from friends is one of joy, happyness, true fascination of what is going to happen now.. The smile I get from Fry is one of love, happyness, a joy that only a pet can bring you.. The unconditional love, no matter how bad of a mood you are in, they are always going to bring out a little smile, a little bit of joy..

Nothing better than coming home from a bad day at work, or out.. And coming home to a wagging tail and a bounding loving dog.. One who will always love you, even when no one else does.. One who will always love if you, even if you forget to feed them, play with them, or leave them in the rain accidentally.. One who will always love you even if you go off at them for ruining some socks.. The socks can be replaced.. Oh socks, so many of mine are ruined.. I don't know how, I don't know why..

Oh socks, how random are they.. I remember being a kid, wearing socks, and running along tile floors sliding everywhere.. Fun times, awesome stacks and broken things.. But fun times.. I remember being a kid, being care free.. Riding my bike up to Adams place.. Playing the Playstation, or him jumping on his bike.. And us just riding everywhere.. Sometimes to other peoples places, getting them aswell.. Just being kids, free and happy.. Buying toy cars, making roads, going on adventures around the place.. All so care free..

Now I have my car, now I drive everywhere.. Adam now lives in Coffs Harbour, all the other people we'd travel with are gone.. I remember this one girl from Primary School.. Everyone had a crush on her.. I remember riding to her place one time.. And visiting.. We played Lego and talked and went for walks.. She had a Golden Retriever.. Good dog that, big one.. She was American.. She went back after year 6.. I found her randomly in a group on FaceBook for our Primary School.. That was bizarre..

I want to be a kid again, but sometimes I don't .. I just remember some things from what it was like, the good fun times.. But I can kind of relive those, just slightly different and more extreme.. More scaled up.. Fun times, shared in different ways with different people.. Going out, hitting the beach, going clubbing, street racing, buying outfits, disco candy, city trips, road trips and holidays, bowl noodles, taking someone out to dinner, movies, no sleep for 48 hours, fights, mobiles, take away, coffee and cafe nights, people trouble, girl worries, and all sorts..

Bush walks, riding bikes, staying up past 9pm, watching an M rated movie secretly, computer games, toy cars, petty shoplifting, the corner store with the wide lolly range, the fish and chip place with hot chips, the creek before it became rotten and toxic, the swimming pool, family outings, special "maccas" nights and buses to the shopping centre.. All so nice, all so simple, all so miniscule in comparison to the kind of stuff that happens today..

I'm happy where I am.. I have great people around me.. I love those people.. Care about them so much, I try to do lots for them.. I think I do, I hope they appreciate it.. Sometimes I don't know if they do or not.. But, I do it.. I tend to end up driving lots.. I don't mind it, Spending an extra 20mins or something on the road just so I can be able to have someone out with us.. It's usually not that much of a hike, and I do it.. I'm happy to, I really am.. If I didn't want to, I'd just say it.. Or wouldn't offer.. I don't always ask for petrol money, I don't always need it.. I only ask if I'm low.. I don't like taking cash from people..

It's not a pride thing, I just don't.. I'm happy to spend money on people, but don't always like taking it.. But it does mean alot when people do, Means so much to me.. I'd just rather pay for myself so they can use their money on them..

Money comes and goes..
But memories last forever.

I'm basically broke right now, I have like no money left until next week.. So I have to be careful with my spending! .. But, I'll manage, I'm owed a fair amount of money, So people better pay me back soon.. Alyce, Alice, Rachel and Vatha all owe me $100 for Soundwave tickets.. Oh man, thats going to be an awesome day.. It's ON my 21st.. So I get to be at a concert, with a huge group of friends, on my 21st bday! So awesome, I love music.. It's great.. Especially Trance and Electro right now! .. I still love some RnB and Rock.. But, mainly those 2 genres.

What would life be without music?

Music produces a kind of pleasure that human nature cannot do without. - Confucius

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

Music is your own experience,
your thoughts,
your wisdom.
If you don't live it,
It won't come out of your horn.
They teach you there is a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art. - Charlie Parker

The Space We Are

2007-10-12T09:22:00.000+10:00

I'm heading to the toilet.. The music, loud, fast, thumping my chest.. I start walking to the beat of it.. Feeling this urge to just dance..

I smile the biggest smile, I am no longer walking.. I am floating.. My legs are merely keeping the momentum, But, My body is just floating to where I want it to go..

I look to my right, it's dark.. There are bright colours, Flashing lights, lots of dancing bodies..

I am still smiling, Like a small child that just got it's first piece of candy.. A brand new toy.. I feel so energetic, like a small puppy.. I am still floating..

I'm heading towards the toilets at the back of the building.. It's just hit me.. My mind goes insane, a million things racing through it at once.. The urge to dance imminent, I feel at bliss..

The lights at the end are getting brighter, I wish someone would turn them down.. There is someone walking towards me, he looks at me, points to my shirt and says "Dude that is sick!"
We laugh, he gives me a one arm around hug and pats me on the shoulder, we laugh again, and off into the crowd he disappears..

I finally make it, and I leave.. Heading back to those I know.. Still floating..
As I am walking, I notice someone.. I recognize them.. Who are they?
"Oh wait!" I remember, as I stop in my tracks.. Them looking at me..
Huge smiles grow on our faces..
"Daft Punk!" I yell.
"FUCK YEAH!!" He yells back, throwing his arms in the air.. Full of energy and excitement.. Remembering the excited conversation he had with the lot of us earlier in the night..

On I go, after chatting briefly, Heading towards the people I know.. I find the team.. And we go on our missions...

This is the last time I ever did it, Transmission: Aloha Party.. 9th September 2007..

There are a bunch of things I remember about that night, I don't remember all.. As it was, about a month ago, and yes, I was intoxicated.. For the last time.. This is a recount of the things I remember, the people I remember meeting.. The experiences and thoughts I can remember..

--The Lasers--
I'm standing there, Looking over all the seats down to the stage.. The lasers are flashing, moving, going insane.. I am mesmerized.. It is amazing.. I'm sure anyone who wasn't on anything would appreciate and think they are awesome, but I don't think nearly as much as I did..

I could stand there for hours, watching them, anticipating what move will happen next, how they will bounce of things,
"Will they hit me? What will happen if they do?" I wonder..
"oh shit! here it comes!!" I prepare myself..
"WOOO!" I am incredibly amused as the laser passes through me.. The swirls and colour all spinning as the smoke in the room shows up because of the light.. It is awesome, amazing, I reach out and mix it up.. It is slowly rising again.. Back past my eyes and up into the roof..
"I have to tell Tim!" and I leave, disappear from the area, like a rabbit running and bounding through the crowd.. Looking for Tim..

--Same Name?--
When on them, the strangest situations or things can set off different emotions.. During one conversation your state can change dramatically so many times, without you even realising it..
I was standing around waiting to meet little Carol, who had won tickets with her boyfriend and various other friends from a Radio Station competition..
I'm standing next to the bar, Just waiting, Thinking this was where she wanted to meet..

I saw a palm tree. It was random as.. I saw a moving palm tree..

I'm looking and talking to random people about their shirts as they walk past, each loving and most taking advantage of my shirt.. [Free Hugs].. When one person walking along with their girlfriend appears.. [Hugs Not Drugs].. Instantly making the connection between their shirt and my own, In one excited realisation I stopped him..
Pointed to his shirt, pointing to my own. He laughs..
His girlfriend, armed with a camera straight up wants photos..

We chat, and when she tells me her name, again, in one big excited realisation I reply,
"Oh my god! I have a friend with the same name!" And then, straight away.. I become saddened.. I look at the ground, saddest look of the century emerging on my face..
She holds me, asks whats wrong.. And then we end up in a induced D&M.. Which can go for 5 mins and share the most cherished of information, to an hour or so before we forget what we are talking about..
At that moment, I told her what I hadn't really told anyone else.. This person, That I had only just met 1 or 2 minutes before, now knows all about this girl I am in love with.. And she holds onto it, She cares, she doesn't try to change the subject, she wants more info..
We forget about what we are talking about, and end up talking about random stuff.. I asked her about this Palm Tree I saw, and she had seen it too.. Then both suddenly want to dance.. As I remember I was looking for my friend, we take a photo, and go to say goodbye..
We share numbers, as she was going to send me the photos, and we share MySpace's.. I still chat to her via MySpace, we plan on catching up..

--Some Side Effects--
I'm dancing with Rachel, we are just having fun, going nuts..
At first we had a group of us, a bunch of us, people left to go home and others arrived.. But in the end, it was just Tim, Rachel and me..

Smiling and nodding at randoms around us, people joining and then disappearing..
And then, like always, BANG..
It sets in..
The inevitable..
The horny'ness, the toey'ness, the primal urge to just DO anything that moves..
I look at her and say,
"Oh man, I'm so incredibly toey"
Which is something I tend to tell everyone so often while on them, everyone on them instantly agreeing..
She agrees, like always, and as always we share a couple of quick kisses..
Almost every time we are on them together, we end up kissing.. Nothing extreme, It just happens, god knows why haha.. Same mind state? I don't know..
I always end up kissing people, some I do know, some I don't know..
Utopia was one crazy for that, so many different girls..
They aren't anything more than just a quick one..
You have to be careful when you are on them, without even realising it you'll become very cuddly and touchy.. Often at the Moulin Rouge I'll end up with someone on my lap, or I'll be on someones lap, or I'll be cuddling them.. And both sets of hands will wonder without realising it..
Both people embracing it.. Every touch, electrifying, intensified, adding more and more excitement..
The softness of skin is much more intense, electrifying, adding more of a tickle, more of a sense..
The touch, to you will feel so nice.. You can feel their emotions.. You can feel what they are feeling..
To them, the touch is just so good.. The lightest touch can start to feel like it's meant to be a massage..
If you grab someone, squeeze them hard while rubbing them, it will be like an orgasm to them.. It is just amazing.. If you are both on it, You will feel their warmth, their heat, their body against yours, and it is just so amazing.. You are connected through an embrace.. Like both of your bodies are now in tune, you are a peripheral device to eachother.. Feeding off eachothers moment, mood, excitement, intensified feeling..

One moment I remember, one of the first times I ever did it.. It was at the Moulin Rouge in Kings Cross, Sydney..
I sat in this big leather seat they have at the front..
It felt like it cupped me in, it pulled me in..
The leather felt so smooth, so nice on me..
It was the most incredible seat I had ever sat in..
I sunk into it, I felt amazing, The seat put it's arms around me and just rubbed me all over..
I can not describe it any other way than this:
You know when someone rubs your back with the palm of their hand, it feels nice over that one spot their hand is currently on..
Times that by 2, and make it over your entire back in one go..

--The Randoms--
Throughout the night, You come across some of the strangest, funniest, funkiest and most bizarre people..

You have the typical "Hard Style" ravers..
Their flares big pants with flashy shiney reflective crap all over it (which are the coolest ever and so mesmerizing)
The fluffy girls..
The 'basically naked' girls walking around in big boots, bras and underwear with their nice tight bodies
The candy ravers with beads and coloured stuff all the way up their arms
The 'lads' which are the same no matter where you go
The people who just go all out with the theme, not caring what anyone things, but just to have a good time..

There was this one guy, tall bloke, he was everywhere.. He is in so many photos from the night.. It is hilarious.. He would always tap me on the shoulder or make known his presence whenever he was around me, as I would back..

I saw the Palm Tree again, but then this bloke, I don't remember his name.. Appeared, blocking me from seeing what it was! It was like I was never meant to find out.. Because, something would always happen when it appeared again..
Was I halucinating?
Was it real?
What was it?

Later on that night, I went on a mission.. I went looking for this "Palm Tree"..
I asked a couple people if they saw it, one bloke bluntly answering,
"Yeah, there is some hot bitch with it" and pointed..

I still never found it..

I was looking through photos on InTheMix for pictures of myself and Tim, and saw the Palm Tree girl.. Heh, she was hot..

--Excitement--
The smallest things amuse you..
A funny shirt can leave you so incredibly happy..
You don't often laugh, You can't be bothered laughing..
In your head you will be in hysterics, but on the outside you'll just look very very amused and happy..

We were sitting around towards the end of the night, just watching the lasers..
There was one I was mainly focused on, but every now and then another laser would take my attention..
At one point the lasers moved slowly, but strobed.. Focused on them it was like life was slowed down half speed..
Like everything was in slow motion.. It was just amazing..

I filmed it on my other phone, I'll eventually get the videos off that phone..

The music gets to you, it sinks right in.. It is just so incredible.. The emotions and feelings it gives you..
You can't listen to rock, rock irritates you..
You can't listen to rnb, it just doesn't work..
Trance, Electro, House, Hard Styles, it all works.. I don't know why, It is just the way it is.. For me atleast anyway, with all of those..

At one point this one song, off my favourite album at the time came on.. A song that reminded me of Miki for some reason..
...The space we are, The space we were...
I heard it, just briefly, as it was mixing in..
It caught my ear, I stopped for a second, my head looking left the fastest it ever had..

The lasers caught me in the eye and drew my attention in more..
...The face we are, The face we were...
The second lot of lyrics calling out..
I whipped out my phone, called Miki, put it on loud speaker and held it up..
I don't think he could actually hear me.. We had a really stupid conversation that involved mostly
"What?!"
"Where?"
"What are you saying?"
..and lots of yelling out to eachother..

The excitement of that song overwhelmed me, it was from A State Of Trance 2007 mixed by Armin Van Buuren.. It was just a song, but it was just amazing, familiar, awesome, I loved the song..

But, by the end of the night, overwhelmed by tiredness at the start, kept awake by artificial energy, it all had to come to an end.. Early too.. So fatigued from so much driving that day, It was time to end it..

The last time, was a good time. I wanted it to be that way..

The Laser Show for Public Domain:

Yes, the feeling is amazing, and no I don't regret ever starting them or doing them..

But one thing is for sure, I recommend people to NOT do them.. It can really mess you around, I could feel myself being messed around by them.. Being more short fused, less happy in the long run, and all sorts of things..

They aren't addictive themselves, but the feeling is addictive.. And they do really mess you up in the long run..

A Slow Descent

2007-10-08T15:29:00.000+10:00

Last night we were lazing about in my room, as the bunch of us tend to do.. And someone came up with the idea of watching Alice In Wonderland.. Of all the movies I have in my house, we decided to watch that..

Well, it was rather interesting watching it now.. In the state of mind that I'm in, the current "life knowledge" I have, and the things I am aware of..

Watching that movie as a kid, you don't tend to pick up on things, as someone who may be older than you may be able to pick up on..

As a younger child, you aren't aware of what the characters in the movie may have been based on, what it is they are taking, what they are doing, what they are implying and all sorts of things like that..

The hashish smoking caterpillar, the mushrooms, the sadistic queen obsessed with removing characters heads, the caffeine addicted or high on speed Mad Hatter and his long eared buddy, murderous walrus and other assorted things and statements throughout the movie..

As a naive young child, you are just mesmerized by everything, totally unaware of particular or actual reasonings or occurances throughout the movie.. You just see it all as magical, fun, funny or strange, but are never drawn to think about why, or what it is that is causing this kind of behavior or things within the movie..

As an older person now, re-watching what I once thought was just wacky and strange, I have now been drawn to think about it more.. Instead of being just purely entertained by the bizarre and random, I now think about why or what it is they are doing.. Why she is dreaming what she is dreaming, what is causing the characters to behave like they are, and where I can get some of that "Mushroom & Crazy Tea"..

A while ago I was told that Alice In Wonderland was written by somebody on LSD/Acid/Ice or some form of mind altering substance.. Well, Hey, I can totally see that.. The kinds of transformations, characters and events are just so bizarre, so random, so strange, that somebody had to be on something to come up with something so twisted..

I searched the web for this, and came across this website (Drug Answer = First One).. Whether it is true or not, I do not know, nor do I really care THAT much to properly clarify this.. So, here, read it yourself and make you're own decision.. Be that answer biased or fact, I honestly don't care..

Alice In Wonderland FAQ

Oh, and I definitely want what that cat was on.. haha..

I've been off everything for the last month and a half or so.. And it's been great, found I can have heaps of fun mad sober! Alcohol doesn't seem to agree with me, so I just don't use it.. And just have lots of Tommy sober fun.. Doing whatever, and just having fun..

Sure, I can't say or do things that I normally would if I was off chops or drunk, but I can work my way into it! haha.. Normally I'd straight up do whatever someone dared or wanted me to, talk to whoever or whatever.. But, sober, as you would know, things aren't always as easy to say or do..

I don't regret ever doing drugs, I don't regret anything I've done (except one thing, which I won't mention, but the one person it concerns knows this and forgives, but I don't forget it..).. I don't regret it at all, it was a phase, it was fun, and now I'm out of it before I got myself too deep or too caught up in it and really sent things off track..

My parents knew from day one, I told them about it, I told them everything about it.. They never liked it, but weren't going to preach or whatever.. I didn't do it too often, but I did it.. Some friends hated it, it drove some away from me and others.. It was my choice to do this, it was their choice to step away.. We'd never see eye to eye with it, fair enough, can't expect everyone to share the same opinion or views on everything as you do..

They were fun, they were amazing, I have to admit.. But I don't recommend anyone to start it.. Not at all.. But, everyone has to realise that you can't preach and keep others away from it, it is so extremely common.. They will always be around it.. If someone you know is doing it, and you don't want them to.. Talk to them about it, discuss it, share your views, don't resort to preaching and arguements, don't resort to guilt trips.. Just be aware..

I never realised the frequency and commonplace that drugs are, until I entered that world.. So many people have and do do it.. And it is so easy to get your hands on them too..

Anyway, that phase is over for me.. It has been a while.. I did them at the last rave (Transmission - Aloha).. Before that was about a month, or over a month.. and before that a few weeks.. And now, no more.. If I am going to ever do them again, it will be at Daft Punk in December.. But even then, I don't think I will.. I just don't want to anymore.. I haven't even thought about doing them lately.. I do remember the feeling and state of mind it gives you, but, no more for me..

And I stand by that, and are happy about that decision.

Everybody Runs

2007-10-04T17:26:00.000+10:00

People often wonder what it is about cars that makes me so interested, happy, and "obsessed" if you will..

My answer to them is, I don't know.

Because really, I just don't know..

Cars have always been a passion, Ever since I was a young child..
The look, the feel, the style, the roar, just the overall vehicle within itself..

Driving is an escape, It is a way for me to feel free.
The power at my hands, the control up to me, as my foot pushes a pedal to the floor, the engine roars, everything soars by, things blur, everything moving by so fast, the smallest incorrect action possibly leading to destruction.
That excitement.

I was never majorly in awe over the whole typical "Supercar", such as the big names like Ferrari, Lamborghini, Porsche and Aston Martin.
I was more into the more "normal" cars, Such as Subaru, Ford, and most other lower priced vehicles..

As a kid, I would buy or knock off toy cars from department stores..
My eyes would wonder past the typical super cars, and look for something more interesting..
Perhaps more common in the real world, to add to my collection, to put on my toy roads in my toy cities I created.
Make something more realistic.

Sure, I loved the supercars, but I preferred things more "down to earth" so to speak, for the life I feel I am going to be leading.
I don't expect to be super rich, to be able to afford the most expensive and top of the line things.

As I get behind the wheel, I am in control.
The car will go as fast as I want it to, it will (most of the time!) go in the direction I want it to..
I take off, I put my foot down, I slam it through the gears..

The needle goes higher.. 20, 40, 70, 80, 100, 120kmh.. I let go and it slows..

For those few seconds as the car takes off, as it launches, as the engine roars and I pass all those slower vehicles.. I am free, I am the fastest moving thing at that moment around me, everything going by, everything left behind.. I am free.

If I want, when I am driving, I can make things not exist..
The problems I may be facing, the people I may not like or are having trouble with, Other people and things on the road.. Don't exist..
It is just me, in my own world, with random obstacles in the way..

The red lights, the stop signs, they are all temporary snaps back into the real world.

Once the light goes green, once those in my way move, again, I'm free.

As I travel down the road, doing 50kmh, 70kmh, 90kmh, whatever the speed limit is at the time. I am just me, and the car. As I am driving spiritedly, with people in the car, or on my own.. Travelling to a destination, I am travelling for that reason.. To be where I need to be..

But, if I am going for a burn, if I need an escape.. I let go, I forget the laws, I forget all those restrictions. I just don't care.

Windows down, Wind blasting into the car, arm out the window, the lights, trees, buildings and everything blur by.
The little engine roaring its brains out, tyres heating up, my lights blur.
As I zoom by cars, them disappearing into the mirror, into a little dot, as I do to them in the distance ahead.
My heart is relaxed, beating slowly, my reactions tuned into the situation, my eyes taking in everything around me.
A car pulls into my lane, I quickly react. Just a mere obstacle. Things are still good..

My speedo reaching 130kmh, more than twice the speed limit. I am not phased.
Weaving through cars, roaring around corners, the sequential AWD doing its thing, holding the car in the corner. I steer a quick sharp jab, just to get the screech around the corner for extra fun and effect and excitement.

All my problems, disappearing by the KM/H..

I am free.

I see something coming up ahead, I slow.. I let the engine slow the car.. I am now at 80kmh.. Still just over.. I give the brakes a quick tap.. The car is at 60kmh..

I am cruising, a smile on my face, I feel much better, I feel good again.. I escaped, for that short time.. and it's made me much better..

I head to one of my relaxing locations, switch off my car, and lean on the bonnet.. I look up, and just think. Watching the clouds roll by, watching the cars in the distance, listen to the wind.

It is either pitch black, no people, no street lights, just moon light watching water.
Or it is over looking the city, one of 3 places over looking the city. Staring at the colours, the lights, watching the seagulls look for food at night, watching the streak of lights in the distance. The occasional siren, or person walking by. A friendly hello. Or some body standing there with me, hand in hand, or just chatting.

There is one girl I wish to show all 4 locations, One girl I wish to just be in the presence with. One girl I wish to hold and care about. One girl I want to escape with me. She is beautiful, and would match each place so well. I'm sure she'd appreciate the view as much as I do. The view would be so much greater with her in it.

As I just stand there, in quietness, in my own world, I hear the "click click click" of the metal in the engine cooling..

I look at my car, smile.

Again, my car did a good job. And I love it.

Part 2: Along The Rails

2007-10-04T16:49:00.000+10:00

My usual day, A short story..
Part 2: Along The Rails

By now I have departed from the ever so crowded bus, and are on my way to the station..

I get off the bus at the QVB and start walking towards Town Hall Station..

Now, the bus doesn't drop us off right at the QVB, so there is a small walk..
This walk often ensues the shoving and dodging of random people..
When you are pissed off, just force your shoulder into their chest or gut, that helps relieve some anger and stress, and also ensures you get the right of way through the crowd! Haha..

Upon heading down the stairs of the QVB to get on the same floor as the station, The crowd gets bigger and more badass..

More people taking up the whole corridor, the direction I'm going usually only has a few people, where as there are huge huge crowds heading towards me..
I tend to retreat to the far left along the shops because there is usually a path, but I also still have to barge people who just don't seem to like to leave space for people..
Those people tend to get more of a barging from me as I travel fast and defensive..

Waiting for the train usually isn't a long task, most of the time its 2 minutes wait.. Other times 5-10 minutes..
The longest I've had to wait is about 25 minutes.. Such a pain in the arse because I then have to stay back to make up that time!
All because some tool either fell/jumped on the tracks down the line, or because someone was sick or the train is just generally late and not on time..
Which tends to be the usual case for Sydney transport..

As you stand there, in your own little world..
Totally zoned and content..
You are, without fail, always awaken by the good ol friendly voice over the intercom system..
"The next train to arrive on Platform 5 goes to Bondi Junction. First stop Martin Place......"

Everyone who gets a train in Sydney knows that voice..
And the same lovely
"Stand clear, Doors closing.."

My train is usually empty on the way there, so I always get a seat..
Just lounge out, read my book, listen to my music, look at the strange people sharing the carriage, staring blankly out the window trying to see if I can spot anything new..
It is relaxing, nice and I am content..

By the time it reaches Edgecliff I'm always really tired and want to sleep..
I can be totally fine before and after, It is always Edgecliff that makes me tired..

Some days I wish I jumped on the train on the adjacent Platform, Platform 6..
It goes to Campbelltown, I just want to head there sometimes..
Just escape and get away..

Often staring out the window, I wish I could just be out there..
Doing my own thing, having fun, and not heading to work..

Or that I'm on a train heading to friends, where I'm going to go nuts and just be me!
Not be cooped up in an office, behind a screen for 8 hours of my day..
Staring blankly, churning my brain for design inspiration..
Creating things that people love, but I'll never know what everyone thinks of it..

I have just reached Bondi Junction Station and are getting ready to alight from the train..
I'm looking to the people to the left and right of me, in their own worlds..
Thinking the same thing, Mind the gap, which way should I go once off the train, what should I grab to eat..
Just minding their own business, thinking about their day ahead of them, not communicating with anyone else..
Just worried about their own stuff..

We depart, onward we go!
Up the escalators and out the gates..
Into the bright sunny weather, the brightness that is Bondi Junction..
I head towards the traffic lights to cross..
Watching the rich people drive their BMW's and Mercedes extremely fast down the hill..
Looking at the familiar faces that crowd around the crossing..
As they stare at the lights, waiting for their little signal to show that they can "safely" cross the road..

I look to my left, up the hill.
I see another crowd of people, doing the same thing..
I look to my right, under a bridge, a car park. I think
"Should I smash a window and steal a car? They'll never catch me!"
Then I remember I can only go the first step, I have no idea how to hotwire..
So that goes back into my brain as a fun little imagination..
I look behind me..
People rushing towards me, to make the lights that just changed..

I cross.
Listening to my music, again in my own world..
Walking down Grafton st. towards my office..
Where I'll be for the next 8 hours..

Up the stairs, press the button I punched and thought I broke a week or two earlier..
I smile and get smiles returned at the girls I see every now and then in the elevator..
Every day, wish I could say something..
Who knows, lunch buddy? new friend? possible partner?

Out of the elevator, smile and wave at Lena on reception..
Into the office, Sit at my desk..

Hi Sarah!

Up next. Part 3: My work.

Part 1: The Morning Mission Into The City

2007-10-04T10:04:00.000+10:00

My usual day, A short story..
Part 1: The Morning Mission Into The City

Every work morning is the same thing.. My alarm goes off at 7am.. I hit snooze.. again at 7:10, followed by 7:20.. On some mornings I'll get up at 7:20.. others I snooze it to 7:30 or 7:40..

I climb out of bed, and walk like a zombie to the bathroom for a shower.. On the way, if I happen to see mum or dad, I'll grunt a "hi!"..
With them usually replying, my dad with a typical father type "Good Afternoon" if I've slept in..

I get into the shower, freshen up, and when I leave it.. I'm a whole other person, I'm awake.. It's like the shower washed all the zombie out of me.. I am now ready to continue on my day.. A shower generally takes me 10-15 minutes..

Longer depending on my night before, which is usually a late one..

I then brush my teeth, attempt to fix up my hair and I am out of the house by 8-8:15..

Now is my stumble to the bus stop, usually I'm in my own world with my music blasting..
Or if I'm tired, in a rush, will be in a rush coming home, or it is raining; I'll drive to the bus stop..
Normally a 5-10 minute walk, now a 20second drive@85kmh down Cox's Rd. Yes I plant it, it's fun!

Standing around at the bus stop, I see a whole lot of regular faces..
The people who are there from 7:55-8:05, the people there from 8:05-8:15, the people from 8:15-8:40, and so on and so forth..
It is the same people, between the same times.. With random new additions or people who missed the bus before..

There are the people getting the 288, 506, 287 and the new express 297..
The group always divides up, and there is always a line up..
The same people, doing their same routine, for their entire life.. As they, like programmed computers and machines, do the same thing.. Every morning..

Some mornings I like to break this line up, by walking past everyone and sitting on the stairs.. I get looks like
"oh how could he push in?!" and
"why didn't I think of that..?"..
It is a break to their routine, people generally get confused or put off when something comes along to break their routines..
"It just isn't right, something is different.." It is like their whole life just came crashing down for that second.. Their routine, the thing they are so used to, just got changed..
"What to do? What to do?" they probably ask themselves, as they become accustomed to this change..

Mum is usually with me in the mornings, so we stand there and chat about life.. She asks me about new girls, drugs, my car, explains problems, or confides in me for my opinion or advice..
We usually have good chats, it's good to be able to talk to my mother about things.. I trust her alot, she trusts me, we have a good relationship.

The bus trip has been so much better since the new Lane Cove Tunnel has been built.. Usually it'll take between 30-45 minutes to get to the city.. Depending on the traffic after the harbour bridge, down York st. in the city..

But, times like today, when dickheads crash into eachother (3 car pile up on Epping Rd), traffic gets worse..
If I get the 297 my trip is lessened by an average of about 15 minutes..
Getting me to the QVB and Town Hall Station much faster..

Usually on the bus there are alot of familiar people, again, they are on their usual routine.. Bus at this time, every day, every week, for the whole entire year.. For many years of their lives..
Sometimes I notice some pretty girls, some strange looking people, a huge pair of glasses, a bad odur, some nice perfume or cologne.. A familiar face that I recognize from somewhere..
When walking onto the bus, I look at the driver, some give me that welcoming nod, or a good morning.. It is usually 3 drivers I get, sometimes one I've never seen before..
One driver gives off a happy "Morning Folks!" and a
"Have a good day!" as people leave..

As I dip my ticket into the machine, and hear that familiar "beep beep beep" noise as it reads it, I look down the bus, to see if there are any seats inwhich I can occupy..
Upon finding this seat, I make my way down..
Noticing the curious eyes as they look up at me walking by..
As I sit down in the seat, me and the person that is usually beside me both make the awkward movement..
Even if they don't need to move over to give me room, they still tend to shift around..

I suppose they are thinking that if they don't, I may take it as a hint they want me, or they are rude, or something..
Who knows..
If I get my own row, that is great, and usually my mum will sit beside me, and we'll continue the conversation we were having before stepping onto the bus..

Sometimes I deliberately say a few things in ways, just to see if I can get some reaction from a person listening into my conversation..
I have seen people snicker, or be in awe or just confused, and I know then they must have been listening..

It is strange some of the things you can hear or see on just any bus..
Someone boasting about the girl they got..
Their new car..
The things them and their mates did on the weekend..
How their football team went..
How they think their wife or partner is cheating..
And one break up of a marriage over the phone..

One conversation I over heard coming from the 2 teenage girls standing behind me as we entered the bus..
It had about 4 'Likes'..
Followed by a couple of words..
Then 3 more 'likes' in a row
Broken by an 'and' and 2 more 'likes'..
I laughed, it was just so strange and so stupid..
How does one say that many 'likes' and not even realise it?
Sure, 'like' is probably one of the most commonly used words by any 1 teenager, but to that degree, in a row??

As the bus travels along its regular path, another regular routine in this world..
I'm either staring out the window, watching the cars go past..
Even then do I see a couple of the same cars, at the same place, at the same moment each day..
-The white 'Honda Integra' with the bronze rims and spoiler
-The red 'Lexus IS200' with the rims
-The black '2007 STI WRX' with personalised plates
-The silver 'Mercedez Benz' with green P-Plates..
All of which are random cars I see occasionally while travelling along the Sydney Harbour Bridge..

As we get into the city, the same people get off at the same stops along York St.
My stop being the last one..
At the QVB..
From then I walk to Town Hall Station..

Next up, Part 2: Along The Rails.

Dangerous Power

2007-10-03T19:25:00.000+10:00

And slowly he came to realise..
That he was becoming, or had become..
Exactly what he had always frowned upon..
And looked down upon..
In disgust, he looks upon himself..
In sorrow he sits..
With his now only 1 regret in life..
He is and always will be sorry..

Different Day, Different Light

2007-10-03T14:31:00.000+10:00

Well last night I took someone out.. What a fun night that was :) This time I'm going to take things easy, take things slower.. See how it pans out and take it from there.. I'd really like to try with this one, try get things smooth and working.. Learn from the past and apply things to the now situation.. Just see where things will lead.. Whether they will lead to something more, or just a strengthened friendship.. Time will only tell.. I just have to say though, I am very interested..

We went to get some food and to the movies, then back to her place and talked for ages.. Was really nice, just such an easy going night.. Working out so nicely and stuff :) She is such a cute one, very pretty, fun and such a sweet one.. A real keeper I'd say! There was something about her from the very first time I met her..

But yeah, We'll have to see where things go from here.. I hope it'll go well!

Anyway, Next Saturday I plan on getting wheels for my car.. Well, new ones.. No it is not sitting on bricks at the moment.. The wheels I want are Lenso Tenzo DC5 Version 2 in Charcoal Black.. They are fair sexy, going to cost me $1680 with Tyres.. Which I'm fine paying.. I looked at similar style wheels, and got prices.. $2980 for G-Max Eagle and another wheel was $4000 for a set..

Lenso Tenzo DC5 Version 2 in Charcoal Black

At the moment I'm actually reading a book! Shock horror! Tom reading? I never read during school, was never inclined to read out of school.. But I thought I may aswell give it a shot.. So I got a book off Katie, It's called Candy. About a couple of Sydney siders, who become heroin junkies.. And their lives.. It's fairly interesting so far.. It was recommended by Shane and Katie.. and so far, I think its pretty good! :)

So I recommend it..

Candy by Luke Davies

There isn't really much more to add to here.. Nothing much more I really need or want to say on anything, as there isn't much new..

Tim just got a new car, R33 Nissan Skyline Series 1.. Maroon, 19's and double BOV.. It is rather sexual! haha.. Going for a spin in it for the first time tonight, he picked it up yesterday.. I called him up today, he is full loving it understandably! haha..

In Circles

2007-09-26T14:36:00.000+10:00

Well it finally came along, today. And strangely, it doesn't affect me. Well, much at all. Which I feel is great! It's really good, Everything I had done, everything that has happened in the last few days, it all seems to be working for me just fine.. I'm not hurting, I'm not sad, I am fine and normal.. I'm Tommy again!

This message is for you, you know who you are.

I hope it works for you, I'll try not let things head the way they did one time before. I just hope you will be happy, I hope you are happy, I hope it works for you, I hope it is what you want. I'm here still, always, as your friend, nothing less and nothing more. There was one last chance I left open for anything, me in hope that maybe something was there, you made the decision to not take it up, so that is now gone. The chance for anything along the lines of commitment and companionship I suppose are gone, and over.

I shouldn't have to write this, as one of my most beloved and closest friends, you should know this already.. As goes the rest of you guys, my closest friends.

Closeness, friendly physical contact and "more*" are still there for you, as other people take up upon with me.
If something gets you down, I'm there to help.
If something makes you angry, I'm there to calm you or help you seek the revenge you want.
If something makes you laugh, I'm there to point and laugh too.
If you feel the need for some comfort, My arms are open for you.
If there is something "else" you need, I'm there for you and I have silk sheets LOL. I'm there for you, in the ways that I am for the rest.
...Except for Miki, He gets more. LOL.

I'm trying to move on from things, and I think I am. I'm getting there. The last few days, have been a mix, but since Monday, things have been even better than they were before. Things are looking up. It's great! :)

Lvoe you, always.

* More being - Range from cuddling&comfort&maybe even more depending, to money help, to transport, to rescuing you from somewhere at 3am, to general and extreme favors, to a place to escape to, and all the rest that a "good mate" or "best friend" should supply.

It's Just A Memory

2007-09-21T09:27:00.000+10:00

It's just a memory of all that we could have been...

This morning on the bus in to work, I was talking to my mum.. We both get the bus in to the city together on most mornings.. Mornings that we are both ready, and sometimes one of us is lazier than the other and takes longer, so we go separately..

Anyway, upon talking to her, she asked me what's been playing on my mind lately.. Talking to her most of the time, brings back memories of things from the past.. Be it about my childhood, things she has done for me, the way I've acted to her sometimes, my love life, my car, and all sorts of things..

I went through one of them quiet "stare out the window" moments for a bit on the bus when the conversation stopped briefly.. I remembered about this one person.. This particular girl.. The moments I had shared, the moments I wish I could share again.. I remembered how, when she'd be around, she'd be the most beautiful thing I could see around me.. How every moment felt so perfect, and meant so much to me.. How, whenever I'd be about to see her, I'd get butterflies in my stomach.. How, whenever I'd even think about the plans coming up ahead, I'd get that feeling..

And then, I remembered the sad times.. The missed chances, the missed memories, the "what if's".. The end, and how it all came crashing down.. How it is all gone, all past, all history.. All memories..

There's this girl right.. I had her, and when I did have her, it just felt so right and so good.. Just looking into her eyes, the feeling of her body, the sound of her voice.. That perfume that just made me melt.. Her style, her class, her charm.. Just everything around her took me in, took a hold of me.. And I couldn't go back..

I wish I could have that again, or atleast some of that again.. Some of the fun, the feelings, the memories.. I wonder what she is doing right now.. I wonder if she'll ever see this, and know..

I might write more on it later..

On The Edge Of The Dark

2007-09-17T11:53:00.000+10:00

Last night I had a pretty whacked out and messed up dream.. I don't really get it, I don't know if there is some kind of underlying reasoning or message or anything.. be it for me or for others.. But I don't know if I did die, or if I nearly died and crawled out into the second part of my dream..

But it impacted hard, I woke up this morning with the worst feeling (emotionally) inside of me, like something really bad just happened or something.. The feeling soon left me moments later.. But man, did it have me in a bit of a panic mode this morning..

Basically, all I can remember of my dream is this:

It started out with me and 3 friends (2 guys, 1 girl) sitting around in my room.. We were sitting there talking.. One had a bright red hat on with some logo, The other was holding a pair of scissors and something else, and the other had a little gold jewelery box with a heart shaped lock on it.. I forget what it was we were talking about, I just remember it making me feel saddened and kind of concerned..

Then the girl looks to me, and says "Well, you haven't ever done anything for me.." I remember that hurting, and one of the boys holding her hand and agreeing.. That made me stand up and say something along the lines of "After this whole time of knowing you.. something something something.. how could you value my friendship so low.." And leaving the room in a hurry.. I dont remember where I headed, But when I left my room it wasn't my house..

The made with the red hat stood up.. And I don't know what happened between then..

Then I remember driving really really fast with another mate in a green car chasing up behind me.. I don't remember if it was this particular car of one of my friends or not, I just remember bright Green. My car seemed alot quicker than usual.. We both had near misses through red lights and other cars.. Then the green car became Maroon and was following me.. Then it became a different bright red car.. and it disappeared..

Then all of a sudden.. It seemed like I was watching a movie.. I could see me, I could see my car, There were no other cars around.. I went through a red light and this big car hit me from the left.. I remember seeing the face of this person.. I remember knowing this person.. I remember recognizing that car.. I remember having lots of realisations about my life all in one fast pace.. I was happy, I was sad, I was confused.. Lots of things made sense.. I missed people.. I cried.. SO much was happening in one go.. All the while as everything I could see was in a slow slow motion.. I remember the detail of the car crumpling.. The headlights getting closer and closer to me as the car crumpled towards me..

My car was sent spinning.. and spinning.. Then I woke up for a second..

When I fell back asleep, I remember climbing out of something.. I don't think it was a car, I don't remember what it was.. I just remember being on the edge of this sand cliff.. That I remember was from another dream..

I can't remember what happened from there till just before I woke up.. All I remember was the similar things from a dream I had long ago.. Which involved channels of water going down beside me, and me being dragged with one of them to the edge of a cliff, and 2 friends reaching out and pulling me from it to safety..

Just this time they were bigger channels, pulling faster, and 3 friends.. 3 different friends..

This dream I had long ago went something like this, I remember talking to Alyce about it after I had it.. we discussed it, and reckon it had alot of meaning or message behind it.. I had it blogged at one stage aswell..

I was walking along a beach, small sand/stone ledge to my left, water to my right, and channels of water running off the ledge along the sand to the beach.. I had a group of about 5 or 6 people with me.. A couple run off to the water, a couple are with me, and others are elsewhere..

I climb up this ledge.. and sit and watch.. As I am sitting there it is getting higher and higher.. and everyone is gone.. I'm at the top of this; what is now a cliff.. and I can't get down without falling.. So I start walking..

Water starts gushing down, knocking me over and making me head towards the cliff edge.. pulling me fast and rapidly.. I'm clinging to things trying to hold on.. Then 2 of my friends appear.. They reach out, Grab me, and pull me to safety between 2 of the channels.. I am now safe.. and there are 3 people there.. 2 of which pulled me to safety.. They ask how I am.. and that is all I remember..

The End Of Nothing

2007-09-17T10:12:00.000+10:00

Funeral For A Friend - Metro Theatre (16-09-07)

Went to see them last night with a group of friends, was pretty good.. Sound quality and such was better than when I saw them last year some time.. Probably because it was in a smaller venue..

I don't tend to really care about seeing supports, but the one of the two that I did see weren't too bad.. Bayside or some crap like that..

Anyway, all in all it was an alright night.. Can't really be stuffed writing about it! Got some other stuff to write about later today though..

Here we go kids.

Don't mind the quality, they were taken on my phone! and the videos were filmed on the second lowest quality, but still came out pretty damn good!

FFAF - Roses For The Dead

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FFAF - History (Clipping 1)

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FFAF - History (Clipping 2)

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FFAF - Streetcar (Clipping 1)

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Colours From Nowhere

2007-09-14T16:13:00.000+10:00

Well, I have 1 hour and 15 minutes of my day left.. and no idea at all what to do during it.. Most would say "Get back to work you lazy bastard!" .. Well, I don't have any haha.. Nothing in my Task Manager is due.. Everything is either done, awaiting approval, or on hold..

Anyway.. As I have nothing to really write about, let me give you some insight in the workings of the Tom... Well, my job..

Read More by clicking the link below!

Basically, I'm a little graphics designer in a big'ish type company.. The company that I work for has online casinos.. We have 12 online casinos and 5 poker rooms.. All of which have around $5million going through them every single month.. Our biggest jackpot is on a game called MegaMoolah, that is over $3.5million at the moment. We are known as CasinoRewards, and on CasinoRewards we have our 12 partner Casinos and 5 Poker Rooms.. You can view them here:
CasinoRewards Partners Page..

Basically what I do here is create mailers (emails), Websites and Banner Ads.. Ever since I started here, I lifted the standard majorly! Haha.. Basically if you compare the stuff from before me, to the stuff that I created.. I seemed to have lifted the level of design and quality, and I think they are happy with that haha.. As I have created things that have really brought in alot of cash..

Last week I created a "Labor Day" mailer that (I was told) brought in over $200,000 over the Labor Day long weekend.. 2 weeks before that I created an "antique" style mailer that brought in over $46,000 over 2 nights.. And this week I created another mailer that they expect to bring in alot! That is just the last month.. There have also been alot over the year and a half that I've been here! :)

[ Labor Day Mailer | Antique Mailer | CC Mailer ]

Also in this job, I build websites.. Quick little ones, Splash pages.. Basically one page websites that pop up or pop under a window you are using.. They are designed to catch your attention, in the hope that you will click it in order to gain the "Sign Up Bonus" that we offer on the specific Casinos..

Here are the 3 latest I just did:
[ CaptainCooks Casino | Phoenician Casino 1 | Phoenician Casino 2 ]

And an oldie that does well, and is also in French, Spanish and German, and 3 different colours:

[ Casino Classic | French Blue | French Red ]

When you sign up to each, and you deposit some money, you get your "Sign Up Bonus" which is a different thing over the different casinos, some give you up to $1200 free, some $500 and 1 hour of free play, and so on and so forth!

I'll never sign up to it haha.. but yeah lol..

Thats the basic gist of my job..

I get alot of free time, to surf and look at and do whatever I want.. Because between jobs, there isn't much to do.. and often I just have nothing! Sometimes I go a whole week with about 2 hours worth of work to do.. So basically I sit on msn trying to waste time and stuff lol.. Like this last hour I've been trying to find stuff to do.. I got a bit of work, so now I'm doing this inbetween that!

Tommy Over and out!